I had a bit of a mini-breakdown a couple nights ago. Erin was really helpful in the way she just listened to me and let me vent. I know hearing about stuff like that is hard, but sometimes I think I'm just going to explode...
If you've spent any reasonable amount of time around me, you've probably seen me when I'm recovering...or whatever. Aside from Erin, Amber is probably the person who has seen me in that state the most...but she didn't know what was wrong...hell, maybe she thought that was just the way I am?
Amber: Do you remember the time, senior year spring trip, in Dallas I was sitting outside of the hotel next to the water just staring out? I don't remember...did I give you an excuse for why I was doing that? If I did, do you remember what I said? I feel a bit guilty (and have) for not telling you about what was really wrong all of the times you asked why I seemed down or whatever....I feel more guilty about the fact that I would make things up (or make a bigger deal out of other things that were, conveniently, bothering me at the time). ---- Another example: do you remember the time, freshman year, Elliott wanted to go to Taco Cabana and I said I didn't want to go to a sit down restaurant...and he got kind of upset? --- Maybe you won't remember these cases...they really stand out to me because the first was when I was actually the most upset around you (that I can remember, at least) and the second is the one I feel most guilty about making shit up about...
Sometimes I feel like I don't get angry enough; other times, I feel like I overreact and get too angry. So many things have come as a result of this stuff that I really have no way of saying I would be better off without the feelings I have. Sometimes I wish I could just talk about it; sometimes I wish I could be strong and try to help other people...most of the time, though, I just feel like I should ignore it all and just cope. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm two people in one body...more accurately, I guess, would be to say I feel like one person halfway in and halfway out of one body.
If anybody comes to see me
Tell 'em they just missed me by a minute
If anybody comes in to our room while we're asleep
I hope they incinerate everybody in it
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Yes I remember being at the Dallas hotel out at the water. I had been looking for you, and I finally saw you sitting out there staring alone. You weren't being chatty, so I sat there next to you staring out over the water. Eventually other people were looking for us too, and Omar, Josh, Lauren, Beth, etc. came out too. They all talked together, and you and I just sat there staring out. I don't remember at all what you said was bothering you, but I didn't really question those things past a point, so to speak.
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I also remember maybe the next day in Dallas was that awards thing at the pavilion place. You and I sat near the very back row on the floor with our heads together. I was having a weird time around that part of the year, and I found it comforting to not feel alone. I don't remember what was "wrong", but it didn't exactly matter, if you know what I mean.
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I also recall when Elliott was upset over you not wanting to go to Taco C. I never heard the words from your mouth, but I remember Elliott telling me that he was upset that you didn't want to go because you were being "anti-social" and didn't want to feel exposed and awkward around strangers, and Elliott was mad that you didn't want to put him and our friends in front of that. But again, I don't remember what the deal was, and I don't remember you saying anything to me specifically about it other than you didn't feel comfortable going then and I was the only one who said okay.
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The way I just said some of those things might make it seem like I didn't care what your problems were, but despite what the texty internet makes it look like, I'm sure you know that that's not what I mean. I just always felt that even if you weren't sharing everything with me, that I still understood and was supportive. If you were hurting I was hurting too. And if you didn't want to share that was okay with me. I just wanted to make it better even if it was just with silence. What was really the matter?
Even though I'm sure you talk to Erin, if you ever want a second person to talk to, you can always talk to me. Even if we haven't talked a lot recently, it doesn't change that. You are more than welcome to vent via internet or phone or whatever any time you want. Just throwin that out there.
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